Lucky Monroe

James Charles vs. Tati: Who is the bigger manipulator?

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As much as I love some piping hot tea, the drama between Tati and James Charles is actually extremely sad to me. I for one, think that this whole situation could have been avoided, and honestly, being entertained by the airing of someone’s private business is so 2011. *let’s go haters, let’s hear it*

I’ve grown up to know manipulation all to well. I’ve been in so many relationships with manipulators that I manipulated my damn self into thinking that was OK. So much so that, I was became a master manipulator myself and was well on my way to becoming a full Narc. *Enter narc behavior* I’m currently recovering, but I still do see some narc tendencies arise here and there. It’s like, it happens without me even having to think.

As much as I think manipulation is wrong, it stems from a deep rooted insecurty, which, most of us have. You’re not immune! *points to the back* I also think that no party is in the right in this situation. Tati still retaliated in a really nasty way, regardless of what he did. I think the whole situation is manipulation at it’s ugly worst, and unfortunately, careers and lives were changed forever.

However, we can all learn something from this. I only was able to change by being honest with myself, and wanting more out of the friendships and relationships I was creating. So, here are 3 easy ways to stop being manipulative.

Notice if you make someone feel guilty or shameful to get your way. This might include crying, whining, or pouting. You might be able to get what you want by making people feel badly about themselves, but this isn’t healthy behavior. If you continue to behave this way, the person will likely pull away from you over time.

  • Any time you’re trying to control someone’s feelings, you’re being manipulative.
  • For example, you might say something like, “If you really love me, you’ll stay home with me tonight,” “My friends can’t believe you treat me this way,” or “I hate it when we work together because I have to do more than my share.” The purpose of these statements is to get the other person to do something for you.

Watch for lying or twisting the truth. This includes trying to change the meaning of something you said or deliberately misinterpreting what someone else said. You might also hide information in an effort to get what you want.

  • For example, you might have said, “I’m going to stay in tonight.” Later, you might tell the person you’re manipulating, “I meant that I wanted us to hang out at home tonight.”
  • Similarly, your coworker may have told you her part of a shared project will be late because the client rescheduled a meeting. You might manipulate your boss into seeing you more favorably by saying, “I finished my assignment 3 days ago, but I’m chasing her around to get her to finish the report. I might just have to do it myself.”

Notice if you’ve been withholding something to get your way. It’s easy to manipulate someone by withholding something they want, such as sex, money, assistance, or love. This can also include withdrawing from them or refusing to talk to them.

  • You might maintain control temporarily by withholding something from someone, but they’ll eventually pull away from you.
  • For example, you might say something like, “Don’t contact me until you’re ready to apologize,” or “I’m not helping with the housework again unless you admit you were wrong.”

Notice if you’re often vague about what you really want. This means dropping hints or suggestions about what you want instead of just telling someone directly. This is an unhealthy way of trying to get what you want and may cause a conflict.

  • As an example, you may say, “I don’t think I have anything going on Saturday night,” instead of telling your friend you want to go see a movie with them.
  • As another example, let’s say you’re unhappy that some of your coworkers went out to lunch without you. A healthy way to handle this would be to talk to them directly to tell them that you’re interested in going next time. However, you might attempt to manipulate the situation instead by gossiping about the person who organized the lunch or trying to get them in trouble for something unrelated.

Stop yourself as soon as you notice manipulative behavior. Take a step back from the situation so you can reflect on what you’re doing. Then, talk to the other person about the situation and how you feel. Be as direct and honest with them as possible.

  • It’s okay to take some time on your own to work through your feelings. It’s hard to change your behavior, so allow yourself to take baby steps.
  • If you’re in the middle of talking to someone when you recognize the behavior, you don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m sorry to interrupt our conversation, but I need a few minutes to think.” Alternatively, you could just excuse yourself to the restroom for some privacy.


Listen
 to the other person’s perspective on the situation.
 It’s likely you are only seeing things from your point of view, which is why you use manipulation to get what you want. Considering the feelings of others can help you overcome these behaviors. Let the other person share how they feel about things, and take it all in without thinking about what you might say in response. Then, look for a compromise that allows you both to win.

  • For example, you might want to go out on Friday night, but your partner might want to hang out with friends. Instead of guilting them into doing what you want, listen to their feelings on the situation. Then, find a way for you to both be happy, such as scheduling your date night for Saturday so that both of you can spend time with friends on Friday.

Take responsibility for your own needs and feelings. You are the only person who can control your actions and reactions. Ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way, then give yourself what you need to feel better.

  • Although it might make you feel bad at first, accepting responsibility for your own thoughts and actions can be empowering.
  • For example, let’s say you’re feeling lonely and want your friend to come over even though they’re busy. Instead of saying something like, “I guess you don’t care about me after all” to manipulate them into coming over, you could do something fun by yourself. You might turn on your favorite movie or go shopping.

Accept “no” for an answer without guilting someone. You may want to make plans with someone or may want a favor. In some cases, they may say “no.” Let that be the end of it, rather than trying to make them feel guilty so they’ll do what you want.

  • Let’s say you want your sister to watch your children so you can go out. If she says “no,” thank her and pursue other arrangements. Don’t say, “Wow, I guess you don’t like spending time with your nieces.”
  • Similarly, you might want your boss to let you take off on a busy work day, but they told you no. Don’t cry or say something like, “I should’ve known you’d say ‘no’ because I’m the only one here who never gets to take a day off.”

Respect the boundaries of others. Manipulative people often have poor boundaries. Allow people to have their own personal space, and respect their life decisions. Similarly, don’t try to change people.

  • For instance, don’t keep calling someone if they’ve expressed that they need a break.
  • If you’re unhappy with your partner’s behavior, talk to them and try to seek a compromise. Don’t try to manipulate them into being the perfect partner for you. For example, you might want your partner to change the way they dress, but it’s manipulative to say, “Wow, you really look homeless today. Doesn’t it bother you that none of your coworkers think you look professional?” Instead, let them be who they want to be.

Reciprocate when someone does something nice for you. Manipulative people take advantage of others, but you can avoid this by giving back. Show your gratitude for the kindness people show you, and give something in return when it’s appropriate.

  • For instance, give a heartfelt “thank you” when a person gives you a gift. You might also return the gesture at a later time, when you’re able to.
  • As another example, let’s say someone covered your shift at work so you could take off one day. The next time they need off, offer to cover their shift for them.

Do nice things without expecting anything in return. It’s nice when people respond to your kindness by returning it. However, expecting someone to behave a certain way is manipulative. Adopt a “no strings attached” policy for when you do nice things or give to others.

  • Let’s say you bought coffee for a coworker. Don’t expect them to buy you a coffee the next time they’re out.
  • As another example, you might offer to watch someone’s children while they’re dealing with a difficult situation. Don’t expect them to pay you or offer you a gift in return, unless they offered to do so in advance.

I hope this helps some of you out there, I know it helped me!

Until Next Time,

XOXO

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