Honestly, it’s hard to put into words, so I like to use analogies and phrases to help people understand. This post will be the first of many detailing my personal journey to improved mental health in efforts to start and keep having conversations about mental health, dealing and growing and how others can help their loved ones and facilitate safe spaces. It’s paramount we start taking it more seriously. So get on with it then, I’m sure your thinking to yourself, to which I will reply, hold your fucking horses. I wanted to start with that disclaimer. To: 1) remind my readers that these are my personal experiences, and they might be similar to yours, or not, and that’s OK. 2) Encourage you to keep reading the rest of my series and the others as well.
It feels like I’m constantly in the wrong. I used to have this thing where I would always apologize even if the person in question was doing me mad wrong. I used to convince myself that it was something I did or didn’t do that contributed to my current state of affairs whether it was a relationship, friendship or any other type of ship. When in reality, the other party was just as “guilty”.
It feels like if you somehow slipped and fell off a cliff, and as you’re falling, just waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never comes. So you’re just constantly in this free- falling state, waiting for bad stuff to happen.
You can’t ever enjoy yourself when you’re out because you are constantly thinking being around so many people for so long, it’s only a matter of time before you mess something up in some way.
Everything feels like it’s 11:50PM and your still writing the conclusion of a paper.
You have a million projects in your head and they all must be done now.
You feel compelled to say and do things that don’t resonate with you. If I tell y’all how many horrible habits I had because of my anxiety and I had no idea where they came from or why I did them, I just did, and it never felt right or correct to me but I couldn’t stop because I had no explanation.
It’s like winning the lottery, then convincing yourself you don’t deserve the money.
It’s like being left at school because you were in the bathroom, so you miss the class field trip.
That’s all I have for today tribe, but trust, there will be more. There’s always more.